i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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