He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
