I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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