Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Yo dont text me then not text me
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
