billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
