just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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