Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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