o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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