you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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