I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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