saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you would pick up someone in the library
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
