I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
