WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
