Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We don't watch enough power rangers
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
