He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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