I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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