If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
