my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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