Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
