you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
