So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
