I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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