The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
