Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
