Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
