meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
