I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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