Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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