saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Randomize
