Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
