even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
