Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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