I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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