last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
