the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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