Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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