And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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