He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize