that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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