i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
