she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
