Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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