saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
