I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
