how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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