My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
