i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
