Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
there is glitter all over my balls
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