Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
