i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
