I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize