apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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