why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
