he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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