She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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