jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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