i used baking grease as lip gloss
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
