dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
