i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
